Your Space Is Empty

Early on in my life I studied the Persian language and culture.  During my language studies I learned that different cultures communicate in very different ways.  For instance, the Russian language is a very specific language that has different translations based on different conditions for each action.  Spanish incorporates a lot of intense feeling in the words used based on cultural biases.  In any case, languages are used to communicate information, ideas, and feelings.

The concept of missing someone who has departed can sometimes be a difficult concept to communicate.  But, I believe the Persian language captures the feeling the best.  They say "Jah-yeh-t khah-lee-eh"... it means "Your space is empty."

Near the beginning of our marriage, my wife and I incorporated this into our expressions to each other about how we felt when we were apart.  We still use this expression, even to this day, because when one of us departs, it leaves a gap in our lives that can only be filled by the other person.  It is VERY important to remember during the trip that the hole in my heart can only be filled by the other person.  Our post on commitment addresses this pretty well.

Regardless of what you do, the pain and emptiness of time apart is very real.  There are many ways to deal with it that we will likely cover in future posts.  But, remembering and rehearsing how the other person fills that space and why we complete each other sets the anticipation looking forward to reuniting.  Discovering how you've each grown during your time away gives us another way to grow deeper in our relationship upon our return.

Even though being separated has created an empty space in our hearts, we don't have to let that emptiness consume us.  It is only empty until the reunion!

How to stay together while apart

As I was getting ready this morning, I began thinking about what exactly holds couples together through our many times apart. A lot of characteristics and skills started running through my head like communication, patience, understanding.  I kept coming back to one thing... commitment.

Commitment is key.

Not saying those other things are not important. They are... necessary even! But, without dedication to each other and to the relationship, which you gave to each other when you first started out, the road to relational success will be extremely difficult if not darn near impossible.

Commitment keeps you going through all kinds of things. There were times where my wife and I were doubtful that we would last, where we would get on each others' last nerves. We stayed committed to not letting go of us, sticking it out through whatever life threw at us. We are a team.

I guess you could liken it to stubbornness against relationship failure. Commitment means both parties giving yourselves, your whole self, to the relationship. Loyalty. Sometimes it may seem that the other party is not giving as much due to an outside commitment. That's when the team has to support one person's activities outside the family unit. For a season, that may mean one side gets most of the support while the other side does the supporting. Or maybe both sides need to spend a little pouring back in to the relationship.

Committing to making a relationship work will build a fortress around it to withstand any storm, particularly while separated.  My wife and I have committed ourselves to our relationship from the beginning and have weathered some pretty rough and dry times. Because we knew that we were both devoted to the success of our relationship, it gave us the stability to endure.

As a side note, we do understand that all relationships are different and sometimes there are unique and extenuating circumstances surrounding people's lives. These are general principles that have proven to work in our relationship and those of many folks we've encountered.

What is The Reintegration Project?

Well, I've started the project...

Before I get into that, a little about me first.  We all have a story that makes us who we are.  Mine started back in 1973 in Decatur, Illinois.  I came from pretty humble beginnings through a series of events that, if things had gone even slightly different, I may not be here to do this today.  My parents were both college students just beginning their lives and didn't know much about building relationships, let alone living life.

My dad went and got a job to support our new family.  My mom finished up school to get her degree.  Little did I know everything they had to go through to start building a life together to raise their new family.  They made it work anyhow.  Dad worked at the local plant where they made tires.  Mom got a job as a social worker for the state helping families get back on their feet.  One of the major things I learned from them was how important it is to help people.

After a number of years, a little brother, a broken home, and a fairly rebellious teenage period, I had finished off a less-than-stellar high school career.  I had spent the greater part of my childhood moving about every year or so, thus not really establishing any roots.  Without many options left, I decided to strike out on my own after graduation and joined the Air Force.  

Throughout my time in the military, I set about doing what I needed to get the job done that was at hand.  It took me quite a few years and a number of moves later to realize what I had gotten myself into.  I was living the sort of transitory life that made it easy to avoid the difficult work it took to really put any significant effort in cultivating and developing lasting relationships.  I came to realize that relationships are the most important part of life and, even though it requires a lot of work, patience, understanding, and forgiveness, those relationships are worth it in the end.

Many people don't understand just how much work it takes folks in military families to build and cultivate relationships, close relationships, through the periods of living together, then apart, then together, then apart, then together again.  That and a mighty strong call from God are why I have started this project.  I want to gather and share the experiences of those who have gone through it and come out the other side scathed, scarred and better because of it.  Throughout the military community there exists a wealth of information on how families reintegrate after periods apart due to training, assignments, deployments, etc.

I would be lying if I said that I do this alone.  Tons of people will contribute to this project in the form of their experiences, collecting, editing, and generally helping me stay on track bringing it all together.  My prayer is that the end product will help at least one person.  I intend to use this blog not just to log my journey, but to also highlight some of the stories collected that illustrate what reintegration is all about.

Here we go!